FOR-GIVE

Has there been an instance where there is this one thing ( or many things) that irks you in a relationship? You feel ... 'if only.... else we would have lived happily every after' :) 

It could be your relationship with your boss, colleague, mother, father, in-laws, sister, brother, kids, husband, friends... anyone who is part of your day to day life. The irritation is affecting you , and there is no way out. 

It also could be an incident, a habit, personal behavior, choice of friends, any such thing. You also might have discussed it umpteen times, but still it continues to bother you. Some incidents could have affected you more deeply than others. And the after effect of anger, hurt, humiliation hasn't gone away yet. Confrontation has been done and you probably have received an apology and / or 'will try to work on it' too. What then?? 

Some problems you learn to deal with , you learn to live with. But I dont quite know how this works. It really hasn't worked for me; probably because I am not doing it right.  When I have tried this, the feelings kept coming back, at the slightest references or associations. It is more of a procrastination technique than solving technique.  You are fine for a couple of weeks, then there is some link up and the damn anger, negative feeling is back. So I am convinced this is not a foolproof method. 

One school of thought says 'you need to get over the sin' , but some others concentrate on 'getting over the thought of the sin'. I personally tend to the second school of thought, since it seems more foolproof.  Now I get down to .. how does one do that? They say 'forget and for give'. But you really never forget. You might forget the good times you had with the person concerned, but the few bad memories stay fresh all the time.. they just dont go.. 

Then how on earth do you forgive without forgetting??? I had to get to the root of this. I didnt want to live my life with negativity cropping up at any random time/ date/ place. 

Like in dumb charades, when you cant explain a word, you break it down... So here too I decided to break the word- 'For' and 'Give'

'For' I knew- I was doing the action for the relationship I held. 'Give' however was confusing. Anyways, I started with whatever I felt I needed to give. Anger, sadness, hurt, guilt, more anger, more sadness, more hurt and more guilt is all I could give. 

So I decided to dwell deeper. When I questioned deeper, I realised, I dont actually 'give' at all. In every relationship I 'give' something to it, only if I have something to 'gain' out of it. When a person is stupid (according to me) I shut off. When a person is boring (according to me) I shut off. When a person is artificial (according to me) I shut off. 
Whereas, when a person is knowledgeable - I am all ears; as I have something to learn. When  a person is funny - I am excited; as I getting entertained. When a person is very energetic - I am in tune; because the energy flows through me too. 

So when do I just give??? Do I even 'give' anything without 'gaining' something out of it? 

OMG, after all this, I am just a very selfish creature! This GG phenomenon is scary !

Kids are certainly out of this whole gamut of gain and give. Thats why they are lovable so universally. So we are born with that feature, but somewhere through our upbringing, growth, education we lose that. 

In management I have learnt- Maximum output with minimum input . You have to gain maximum with minimum to give. But that is for the industry, for the economics to make sense.  It is not for human beings and their relationships?? Is it???? 

I realise it is a humongous task, at the age of 38 to unlearn and reverse the way I look at things. But never the less I am going to try. I am going to try, simply because nothing else is working. Its my last resort to get over the thought of the sin. I am going to 'give ' everything 'for' the relationship I hold and see how far it takes me !