Grey....

January 2019…..a 70 year old man in Thane, Mumbai was caught sexually assaulting a young girl!  A video of his confession was being made viral on whatsapp, so that he doesn’t dare to do it again ever in his remaining lifespan. This disturbing news has remained with me for a long time now. It brings back the memories of various instances when I have been exploited myself, by men from different age groups.

The first time it happened to me was long before any good touch, bad touch lesson was taught and even long before I knew what I was feeling. I was hardly 9 or 10 and spending my annual vacation in Bombay at my uncles place. These two months I always looked forward to. It was a totally different life from what we led the other 10 months of the year. It was Bombay vs Trivandrum, it was Modern vs Conservative, it was English/ Hindi vs Malayalam, it was All cousins, uncles, aunts, grandparents Vs Just us, it was an Apartment with a lift Vs a Stand alone house. 

One evening as I was returning after playing downstairs, and got into the lift to go 4^th floor, the old lift man in one hand presses the ‘4’ number button on the lift, and with the other squeezes and touches me all over. I have seen this person so many times and have smiled and talked to him, but today he did something which felt .. I didn’t know what!… He was done by the time we reached 4^th floor. And I walked out of the lift entering my uncles house all perplexed, and confused. I was one of the youngest in the cousin gang then and never really had an opinion or say in anything. No one asked me anything and I didn’t know what to tell anyone. I just didn’t know what had happened !!! 

Like most kids who grew up in my generation, not everything was taught and exposed to at the right time. We learnt through experiences and mostly our own. Conversations, discussions were rarely there in the family, school, or any social forum. There was a schedule, there was discipline, there was a way to lead one’s life and you had to learn to do it that way. Black and white… no greys were ever brought up, discussed or accepted. 

As I grew up, I also stuck to the black and whites and kept away from all that was black. I saw the grey- queer things and people only in the movies. And when any such incident repeated itself, I learnt ways to protect myself and always went with the warning….prevention is the best measure! Provocative clothes, distractive make up were all a taboo and I knew better to keep it that way. 

I soon landed in Mumbai for my higher education and underwent a cultural shock. The first night I came back from college and got out of Grant Road station, I saw hookers standing outside with bright lipstick and skimpy clothes on. The queer was right there in front of me. A bigger city, more exposure, and more of grey spread all over. As a single women I unknowingly started learning to be strong (even if I wasn’t, I had to show it to the rest of the world), deal with situations and fight back. A mask was starting to grow over me and I was adapting myself perfectly into a Mumbiate. I spent 5 years in this city and went through a myriad of experiences. 

I was working as a Operations Manager in a big company and had a regular customer- 80 year old man with complete white hair and sparkling white clothes adorned every time ,  who used to come once a month for his shopping. He was some well known astrologer who had big clients in the hep areas of Mumbai. He usually came to the store late in the evenings and needed me to walk around with him helping him select the best brands as per his requirements. One such evening, he is talking to me and suddenly his left hand starts touching me behind in the not so right manner….. I stopped right there, and walked out to the store into the back office. Here was a man whom I respected father like, was known formally to me atleast for a year and had even foreseen a beautiful future in my hands…. adorning the grey all over himself today!! 

There were other relations too in this city, which initially brought out innocent, bright, beautiful colors, but as time passed they moved to other colors, ending with a grey monotone. One evening as I returning home standing by the huge open doors in the local train, a young boy who was selling something on the train came next to me and squeezed my bottom.  I turned around and slapped him so hard that he starting crying. He got out at the next station and was thrashed by others too. I realised I was shaking myself. I too witnessed a color within me that I never knew existed. I was not all white either….

Its been almost 20 years since then. I have a 10 year old daughter of my own today. Career, marriage, motherhood, and leading a family has happened in these 20 years. As I have grown, I have shadowed through many emotions and seen many more. The grey I think is the color which society in general doesn’t approve of. Social structures 90% of the time still exist in black and white. And we all cover our greys to blend into the society. Exposure, conversations, society has moved a long way in the past 20 years. 

But the 70 year old man is still there today!  He hasn’t got a place to express and vent out his grey and he is letting it over flow into the society. Like all the distorted men who have exploited ladies in their lives. However today, he isn’t going scot free like he did 20 years ago.

As for me personally, I can now identify so many shades between the white and the black. And as I notice them, I also realise they are omnipresent - far and near. So now when I try to sketch out a person, in the midst of the white canvas and the black lead marking, the shading of the grey gets an equal acknowledgement!