The missing identity…

Preethi a 40 plus highly educated, professional, turned entrepreneur, was turning her house upside down looking for her professional and educational documents, today. She with her family had moved back from the US to India 10 years back and since then she hadn’t used these documents ever. Today every rack, every cupboard every ‘under the bed closet’, was physically scanned and personally checked for them. One car load of unwanted papers and other stuff was exposed to the broad daylight, but the papers she was looking for; she couldn’t seek from their hiding!

Preethi, a double Masters one from India and another from the US, has around 10 years of professional experience and another decade or so of entrepreneurial experience under her sleeves. She is a very practical, go getter who has achieved every dream she has caught her eye on. She has a small little family of a loving husband and a lively 11 year old daughter, both of whose lives revolve around her.

She has everything a middle aged lady would long for, but something was amiss. Whether it was something within or something without, whether it was materialistic, or psychological, she wasn’t able to pinpoint. Life was going on under her feet like waves of the ocean. Every time a wave came up, depending on the height of the wave, she rode it with ease or with difficulty, but found herself stranded at the same exact place.  She had ended her professional career and moved on to an entrepreneurial one looking for the self actualization phase.  But not having found it there too, she decided to take a break and figure out life once again. Today, she felt like a teenager trying to make sense of life, only difference being she was loaded with a lot of memory in every part of her body.

All the fears, trails and failures, were in her, part of the memory and all the achievements, appreciations and rewards were in that damn file she couldn’t find! It was over 5 hours since she was looking for it and now, she was almost in tears. The world around was starting to be a replica of how she felt within.  

Ram returns from work in the evening to see all the extra stuff lying around in the house. The usual hug is accompanied with a sarcastic remark, “ looks like we are shifting houses again!” . She starts telling him with a straight face, “I have been looking for my documents the whole day today.. It looks like all these years only you existed in this house. My identity is not even seen lying anywhere!” Ram gives her a WTH look…and she just breaks down. They hold on tightly and she cries for the next 10 minutes soaking the tears in his already sweaty bush shirt.

The outpour of emotion soon wades off and then they discuss options of getting the transcripts mailed from the US University and an application being sent to the Indian Universities for a copy of the degree certificates. Preethi firmly believes that everything in life is in the right place or is on its way to get there. So if something is lost, it could be part of the delay to get there, or if the delay is too much, then it never was meant to get there in the first place. Based on this logic she doesn’t apply for the copies of the certificates.

‘File search’ mission has parked itself in an exclusive nook of Preethi’s brain, every time some corner of a closet is cleaned in the house, the case of the lost file jumps out in the open and she glances at the corner being cleaned with an investigative eye; but in vain. Days go by turning into weeks and eventually into months. Preethi has taken a break from her entrepreneurial venture and is beginning to spend more time with herself. She’s on the “Everyday is different” routine, walking along with randomness, holding her hand.

On one such random morning, she decides to list down all the things she is ‘just okay’ or ‘very bad’ at in life! Off the big list, Cooking is at the top. For her, ‘food’ is a means of survival and not the means to understand the essence and meaning of life, unlike some people. So, on a personal level she is at peace for not being able to cook much, but being part of a family and a society that loves food, she knows where she stands. And like any modern age cosmopolitan lady, she has a cook who does the magic and keeps the gas glowing.

Preethi, in her stride of randomness decides to get friendly to cooking. She enters the kitchen with a smile and promises to not sulk and to keep the josh high as she interacts with the vegetables and spices every time going forward. She tells Ram also about her latest mission. He smiles and gives her a ‘thumbs up’; probably knowing well enough the life of the new friendship!

So she goes for it.. “tonight’s dal is going to be different, its going to be out of this world”. With all the preparation and positivity- the dal begins to cook. She gets more organized;  everything from hing, jeera, curry leaves, chillies, tomato are all cut and arranged prior to the dal making.  Though, the haste of wanting to put everything together, the urgency to make it cook fast and the hurry to finish it off and eat the food, were all still there. The dal tasted no different from everyday. It didn’t go anywhere out of the kitchen it usually is cooked in J. Preethi rests her enthusiasm and has dinner with everyone.

The next morning, she cuts the papaya, pomegranate, and the mosambi all to be eaten before breakfast, and while arranging them on the plate looks at each of the fruit for a moment. She smiles and accepts that this is the best she can get out from her kitchen, each in their true element, varying in size and shape and having a unique taste of their own. The less she intervenes with making a dish, the more she loves it. She just wishes others too liked food this way.. raw, genuine and real! All fruits and vegetables have a charm of their own, though we still like to cover it up with all spices and condiments and enjoy a dish which is so unreal and made up. Preethi wondered why majority of people were like that! However being at peace with herself for having tried to do the impossible, she goes back to do things in her comfort zone.

Ram and she were very different personalities and Abha their little girl was a perfect mix of the two. However there was one strong connection between Abha and Ram. This duo’s world existed in the “last 5 minutes”. Preethi the more organized and planned personality initially used to find this very annoying and irritating, but growing up as a mother to Abha, she has learnt to accept the differences. Though there are some mornings where things go haywire.

It was one such typical morning. Abha has the bus to catch at 7.05 and still isn’t out of her bed until 6.30. Preethi rushes out of the kitchen and now jolts Abha out of her dreamland. A frustrated Abha opens her eyes and asks for another 5 minutes. “ Do whatever you want… sleep more and miss your bus. I am not dropping you to school!! Preethi stamps her foot and walks out of the bedroom. With all the dabbas ready, she again goes to the bedroom to check on Abha. The time is now 6.42. Preethi is on gear 4 and takes the bedsheet off Abha’s body and literally lifts her out of the bed. Rubbing her eyes, Abha gets up all grumpy. She goes to the bathroom to brush her teeth, but the pace is really really slow!

“Do you know the time!! Atleast check the time once in a while and do things fast yaa…” Preethi has basically everything ready for Abha, but gets frustrated at the ‘I don’t care attiutude’! Like the calm before the storm, Preethi quietens down, boiling within. Abha comes out of the bathroom at 6.52 and asks her “ what should I do now?” That’s it.. Preethi loses it completely and tells her,  “do WHATEVER you want… and if you want to do this every day, please don’t have me get up at 5.30 in the morning and do your dabbas!”  Abha knows she’s on her own and starts getting ready faster. Shes out of the door at 7.02 , both mother and daughter  giving each other the goodbye look filled with anger and disappointment!

 Preethi doesn’t like anyone leaving the house unhappy, especially her little darling. She knows she’s not the usual ‘hovering over her child’ parent, but sometimes does lose track of righteousness feels bad about it too. Having not seen her off with a smile and a kiss, she waits eagerly for Abha to be back home.. Abha returns home at 3 pm and as expected yells a loud ‘HI’ once she enters home, fresh as a clean slate, forgotten everything about the morning. Preethi asks her about the day and as Abha is yapping away to glory; Preethi broaches the topic of “time” to her.

Preethi lets Abha know that one needs to respect ‘Time’ in life. If you let time go by, it’s gone, never to come back to you. Abha gets up on the sofa and dramatically makes a salutation with her arms and with a high pitched voice begins  “O Time! I respect you.. you are the greatest and the mightiest of all. What would I do without you? Please don’t leave me and go anywhere. I need you.. and I respect you a lot, respect respect, respect!!!! ”  All the 3 respects with different facial expressions and intonations. Preethi brusts out laughing, holding her tummy tight. They hug and laugh together for the next 5 minutes. Preethi realises, things cannot be taught to anyone by spelling it out loud, it just has to be experienced, felt and realised. And also that, always watching the objective or goal so hard makes the journey less interesting, boring and sometimes even frustrating. It’s okay to enjoy the journey, and feel the impermanence. The last 5 minutes do exist for a reason!  

As life was going on, one day Anil mama calls on Preethi. Her favourite maternal uncle and aunt, are visiting them the coming weekend. She is excited and plans a simple menu for lunch and asks her cook if she is available on the coming Saturday. Her cook has other plans that Saturday and so Preethi realises she is on her own. She accordingly makes the menu simpler, but is excited about seeing Anil mama after so long. Saturday is here and Preethi wakes up early to start the preparations. They order breakfast from outside, as Preethi needs the time to prepare lunch and she’s all done by 11.30 just before they arrive. Mama and Mami arrive and they chat over spirituality, ambition, music, politics and love. It is always fun with Mama and Mami. They also have a round of cards with Abha joining in teaching them some new games. Preethi serves the food at around 1.30- menu:  Sambhar, Rice, Chapati, one rassa bhaji, a salad, curds and sevai kheer. Everyone is quiet and eating the food. Mami comments, the food is really nice! God bless you. Mama though diabetic takes 2 servings of the kheer. They enjoy the lunch; have a small nap, followed by a hot cup of tea and leave around 4 pm. It was a lovely afternoon spent with them after a long time.

 Preethi and Ram are just relaxing and resting on the sofa after seeing off Mama and Mami, when Ram comments, “ the food was really nice jaan…”. Preethi looks at him and a smile comes on her face from within, voluntarily. She hadn’t tried to make anything different. She was happy to have them over for lunch and all the time while preparing the food, was thinking about them. Her hands, head and heart were all synchronised in the activity and the most impossible task, got done. She walks into the kitchen once again, looks around and she just feels so good!

Mami had brought Abha a small pendant and after trying it on with different clothes, Abha is done with it and hands it over to Preethi. The new gold pendant needs to find its way into the safe.  Preethi’s life literally has worked on gift culture. She has most of the expensive belongings actually gifted to her by family and friends. And it is all tucked away either in the locker in the bank or the small safe hiding in the cupboard. So she gets up to make place for this new addition of decorative item worn for personal adornment, in her safe. She opens the safe and finds a pouch where she can keep the pendant in. She has organized this safe a lot of times, but the last time being so far back in time, the relevance of the organization is lost when she looks at it again today. She doesn’t feel like getting into rearranging anything now, and so is ready to shut the door of the safe, when.. suddenly she looks beyond the boxes that are kept at level 2 in the safe.

There are a series of files below them. A brown one, a black one, a boxed one and some others she couldn’t see directly. She didn’t have to open it…it was right there, in front of her. The case of the missing files- Professional, educational, medical, et al. She literally had found them when she was busy doing something else. Among all that glittering ornaments that have enhanced her confidence and made her look pretty at various points in life, laid the files.

She had walked from the disastrous dal to the sumptuous meal, she had traversed from the hasteful mother to the accepting mother, and had moved from the “to dos” to the “everyday is different” living. The travel that made her feel beautiful and strong from within. The certificates were there however, where it always was, in its right place!

She had begun her long trudge in the sand and this time as the waves gushed in, she moved along with it…